Getting it Together

I usually don't have everything together.  I don't think anyone really does!  On weeks or days when I sort of mostly have it together I feel really great!  Celebrating small victories can be like a light through a tunnel that seems dark.  Motherhood is a challenging, rewarding, tiring, joy filling adventure.  But being a mother isn't the only thing I worry about, oh no.  There's laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, work, developing my own talents, being a good wife, cleaning up the ever growing pile of mail, visiting teaching, preparing for callings...  And that doesn't even include special events like family gatherings and birthdays and visits from out of town, etc.  Life is just busy!  There is always something.  But that's OK, and it's good.  Some days I take great solace in the fact that tomorrow is another day and another chance to do better.  A quote from Elder Holland comes to mind:

Watch this short inspiring video:

https://www.mormonchannel.org/blog/post/good-things-to-come

Personal Trial: Leg Sores (Update)

July 2015

April 2016

Two years have gone by already, can you believe it?  This month two years ago is when the ulcers on my legs popped up and began their outside course in my life.  I have to say that I thought two years would have been plenty of time for them to look relatively normal, but there is still a redish/purpleish color to them and they are still noticeable.  I'm also surprised that the spots are still a little sensitive.  It's not that bad, but there is still a lot of healing that needs to happen under there!  I'm excited to wear knee length skirts to church this summer though (instead of more long maxi skirts) and not have to worry about constant questions from little children ;)  Right now my calling is teaching the 16-18 year old youth Sunday School class with Adam, which by the way is one of the best classes to teach!  So no Primary children (ages 3-11) running around to get recurring questions from :D

While this has not been an ideal experience for me, it's nice to have reaffirmed to me that these scars really don't matter.  They are a sign and reminder of my weakness and neglect, something I should be careful not to let happen again.  And even more they are a sign and reminder of the reality of the Savior, that because Jesus Christ was resurrected, I will be too.  These marks are not permanent by way of eternity.  Just a short, minor blip in my earthly physicality.

"...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine & Covenants 122:7) 

Likewise, our weaknesses should not be neglected, but properly cared for and constantly being thought over and worked on for the better.  When they are neglected and ignored they get worse.  But properly treated over time, though sometimes slow, will bring improvements and healing.  We treat ourselves by not neglecting but constantly cultivating our relationship with God, our eternal Father in heaven, and understanding of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

Back Story
Hospital Stay
Recovery

See & Believe

Believe.
What do you see?
A great mountainous glacier setting itself free
Nothing holds it back from being what it wants to be
Neither frost nor liquid nor man can compete
Leaving behind no sense of defeat
Believe.
What do you see?
A stone so small winds could take it away
But happy it sits wherever it lay
Pondering what the next move it will make
All the while cheerful though without no mistake
Believe.
What do you see?
A wrinkle, a smile, eyes that shine as the light
Glorious will that can always take flight
No wrestle of heart can outtake the delight
Onward, press onward can be the next fight
Believe.
What do you see?
For always the triumph seems too far to see
But take and believe what you know you can be
Always, forever, we’ll stand and we’ll live
To fight for our souls and to serve and forgive
Believe.
What do you see?
I see a strong spirit who knows what to do
Who knows how to fight and to hum the right tune
Someone who’ll take a bad blow as it comes
And turn and press onward no matter the sums
Believe.
What do you see?
Believe in yourself and your power within
To strike at the foe with your goodness and grin
You know what is right and you know how to play
Life isn’t the game but no need for delay
Believe.
What do you see?
A past that might hurt and a future unsure
Unstable you think yourself, scared with no cure
Questions with answers that cannot be heard
Ensnaring the soul, allowing the lure
Believe.
What do you see?
Hope can rise up if you let it be seen
No need to hide or think low your esteem
Greatness exists inside you and in me
Just let it go and let yourself free
What do you see?
Believe.

[September 19, 2008 (3am)]

Church so long and so often

Why do we sit through 3 meetings totaling 3 hours every Sunday for church?  And wrestle with our children almost the whole time?  Do we expect to hear something so new it's mind-blowing or earth shattering?  Isn't it just the same stuff every week?

Well for me, I appreciate and know that I need the constant replenishing of spirit in a way that is special to gathering and talking together about basic Gospel doctrines.  Yes I pray daily and yes I study my scriptures regularly but getting together with others in faith in Christ brings a special strength to me as I begin a new week.  Next to partaking of the Sacrament ordinance, getting out of my house and meeting together with purpose is actually a great refresher for body, mind and spirit.

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."  -- Matthew 18:20

When I pay attention, I can feel the Lord by His Spirit in those meetings I attend each Sunday.  When I pay attention to the Spirit instead of let myself get distracted by rowdy kids or weird things people say or other things that cross my mind, I am so much more spiritually rejuvenated and elevated.  I feel more of God's love for me and others and feel lifted up as I think of ways I can try to be better.  Sometimes it's stressful trying to keep our kids quiet and happy and then also teach a handful of rambunctious young children, but boy do they need this constant refresher of spirit each week!  I do too.  We all do.  I don't just go to church for me, but I also go for my children and my family as a unit.  It brings us closer together because we feel the Spirit and God's love for us.

Your book of remembrance

When I heard it, this sentence from Elder Gerrit W. Gong's past conference talk "Always Remember Him" struck me deeply:

"Have you ever thought of yourself as your own living book of remembrance—reflecting what and how you choose to remember?"

I don't think I had previously thought of the things I remember as a choice.  To think that I could choose what I remember about past times felt monumental to me.  I don't really like to talk about many things in my past because I remember lots of negative feelings and things I wish I would have done differently.  I know I've had good things in my life, but I seem to have this problem where I mostly only remember the bad things.  Even in recent years.  I tend to dwell on the negative a little bit.  But this phrase from Elder Gong seriously hit a chord in me.  It made me realize two important things:

1. You can look on your past in a positive light
2. Remembering the good things in your life can be so much easier by keeping a record of them as they happen

I know there has been a lot of good in my life.  I feel extremely blessed for so many reasons.  I love where I am now and I know that it's because the Gospel of Jesus Christ has brought me real peace and lasting happiness attainable only through Him.

I have a lot of forgiveness to release still, especially for myself.  Something I try to remember is that in any point of my life I did the best I could with what I had and knew at the time.  Elder Gong quoted Christian philosopher Soren Kierkegaard who said:

"Life must be understood backward.  But ... it must be lived forward."

I love that.  I'm working on feeling more gratitude for the past moments I've lived, to be happy about what I've had instead of wishing for something different.  Learning and growing is the point of us being here on the earth in the first place.  If we can learn from what we have done and implement those lessons in our current moments, our lives now and our future will feel bright and hopeful.  And it will be even more so if we can let go of life's many disappointments.  That's what I need to do, and I know that as I do, I can have an even more fulfilling life because nothing will be haunting me or holding me back!